it a friday night and i have two gimik options: tagaytay and pier one timog. hmmm. im not really up to it though. and pier one is sooo not a gimik place, duh. so i'm still here at the office, loading new songs to my ipod, catching up with friends, cleaning my inbox and updating my blog. while chatting with an old friend, he pointed this out to me:

"those who give reason to every little thing they know that which they deem to be inescapable and mere practice in futility are the people who lie to themselves all the time, people who, in their being afraid will build walls around themselves surrounding their emotions to a point where emotional stagnation runs deep, and everything will be reduced to escapism." - from Escape from Freedom by Erich Fromm

he thens prods his question about my "status", he repeats, "musta na buhay?".

so since its been a while since i last talked to him, i owe him a serious answer this time. i gave him four answers: my physical, mental,social, spiritual and emotional status. wait that's five, hehehe. anyway, he was satisfied with my answers so he then proceeds to his next question, "love life?".

DUH?!? why do people keep on asking me about this? and i'm sure a lot of people are asked of this question as well. i myself asked this question to a few friends but i never realized how irritating it could be once people kept on asking you that damned question.

newei, i'm getting used to that love life question so i gave my friend this answer:
"its non existent because i realized, if mag love life ako,i wouldnt be able to devote as much as time as i would want to kasi im always held up at work."

he then replied with that quote from Erich Fromm. (i'm feeling kinda redundant here, hehe). and i agreed with it and with him. and the conversation went something like:

friend: so, useless magkaroon ng lovelife dahil walang time, huh?

me: uh-huh.exactly.pero i wouldnt mind nmn tlga.i'd make time of course pero i love my job and especially pnk. if he demands, di ko mapagbibigyan kaya para iwas gulo, wag nlng.

which brought him to the his point: escaping. "escapism at its best", he said.

huwaaat???? is that what i'm doing??? i reasoned out, "its a good thing actually. it would be escapism if i'm already in the relationship and then trying to get out of it because of those reasons. but since i have none, it doesnt stand true."

no, i am not escaping. i would admit it if it were true but it weren't! i may have built walls but its only for protection, i am a highly emotional person though i try my very best not to show it. but i put down the walls once in a while to see whats behind the them. i keep a reality check so as not to stray down the dark emotional path i've led myself to a couple of years back. its but normal to put up walls, right? but to keep them up even when someone is reaching out, that's absurd. and i won't allow myself to do that again.

and yes, i am afraid. afraid for myself and what i could do to others. i know that we have to let ourselves go once in a while but be sure you'll be able to pull yourself back. with freedom comes a big responsibility. and just because i am taking utmost precaution with my emotions doesn't mean i don't let myself loose. i do. i'm just more aware of my actions now more than ever. and that's not escaping.