Neglected

how does it feel to be neglected? i know... i'm feeling it now. and i'm sure other people know how it feels like, too. i especially don't like this feeling because i believe that when one person neglects you, its because you are of no use / importance / purpose / value to that person anymore. i also believe that when one is neglected, one is unappreciated as well.

meaning, that person thinks there are other things / people / events more important than you.

meaning, there is something / someone else that's taking up their time and that time that they usually spend with you is now devoted to something / someone else.

meaning, that person grew tired of you.

meaning, that person doesn't care for you and about you anymore.

So why am i feeling neglected? Here's why..

FIRST NEGLECTION: no texts or calls. well, "G" would reply if i were to text first but unlike before, when "G" would call me or text out of nowhere. that's what i really really really miss. :c

SECOND NEGLECTION: "G" doesn't read my blog anymore. how did i know?! i just do.. "G" seldom visits anymore, though before "G" admitted that "G" always reads my web log.. :c

THIRD NEGLECTION: i asked a favor and came no reply. as in nothing, nada, zero, zilch...

am i overreacting here or am i really neglected? i don't really know. perhaps yes.. perhaps no. but what i do know is...

i miss "G"...

Find out more about neglection from another blogger

Raich .

what's keeping me busy..

okei, so i've been reluctant to update my blog yet again. not because i dont want to but i dont have the time.

first, there's the nba finals, which san antonio spurs won at yesterday's game 4. whoopee!! one more game to win and champion na.. i still believe that tim duncan is a sellout.

then, there's this certain client of ours that still hasn't paid my artists' talent fees. and they are hiding from me! grrr, i'm gonna file for a breach of contract if they still havent paid by friday, i swear.

another is QPIDS, what else?! so tomorrow, the first pair will be eliminated. who this pair is, i still don't have any idea but i'm hoping not one of my alagas. so if you're reading this right now, your text vote would really help, as in. 3 text per sim per day lang ha.

for ISABEL BLAESI & FELIX ROCO, just type in QPIDS 1 NAME, ADDRESS and send to 2366.

for KAREL MARQUEZ AND GABB DRILON, just key in QPIDS 9 NAME, ADDRESS and send to 2366 also.

Deadline na tomorrow afternoon, 12 p.m. so please please please help them. they're really nice and sweet kids, you know.

aside from that, qpids is still a wreck so good luck to all of us road managers tomorrow. i'm sure we'll all be "aliping sagigilid" once again. lol. :)

and then! tomorrow night, my good friend cza will be having a fashion show at rockwell tent. i've blocked this off from my schedule months ago and i'm torn between qpids and her show. damn. but qpids, they said its a live elimination but guess what, its not! wahaha. but it will be taped as live so there. they "taping" will roll at 2pm. hope its starts on time so i can leave and arrive in rockwell just in time. btw, good luck cza! its time to rock the fashion industry!

oh and today is the bazaar at the world trade center where dimples and i put up a booth-she's selling necklaces and i'm selling earrings. i hope my things do well so i can have extra cha-ching!

and i still have to close another deal for my alaga, hopefully you'll see her endorsing something in the months to come. but as for now, i still have to arrange a meeting with my boss and the client.

lastly, i am sooo damn stressed with these taxes! and to think that my alagas are not that big yet. but BIR's been too stringent with the artists these oast few months so we gotta keep track of their finances. haaay

so there. aside from the fact that i don't have a social life, much less a lovelife, i'm pretty busy. which is actually a good thing coz if i have both, my work would be totally affected.

oo na, workaholic na kung workaholic. at least di alcoholic, di ba? wahahaha.

basketball grrrnessss

I am sooo pissed right now! Hello??? Pistons won over Spurs (again!) 102-71!!! Hello?!?!? SO now they tie 2-2. I DON'T BELIEVE IN HOME COURST ADVANTAGE!!!!!! And what about that game 3 huh? Ginubili scored 7 damn points?!? Haaay, naiinis talaga ako!!!!!

life and love

Love is like an open wound. When the wound is fresh, just like love, we feel it intensely. Everything that touches it, comes in contact with it or even just a puff of air, we feel the pain at the very core.

Much like love, early on, we feel it’s every movement, its changes, its progression or regression. We are too keen with everything it does, we become extremely careful not to wound it any further.

As time goes by and as the wound starts its healing process, we become less and less involved with it. We do not give it that much of attention anymore as the wound is not so delicate any longer. With love, we tend to take things for granted therefore, not giving it the same amount of interest we gave it before.

The blood coagulates and the wound closes, sealing it from any more pain inflicted from the outside. Unsuspectingly, love then disappears from a lover's heart.


And the intense, deep feeling rendered by the wound fades away. Replaced by feeling nothing at all..


Reminiscent of love.

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How could she ask me that? What does she want, to understand why I was crying? Doesn't she realize I'm a perfectly normal person, with the same desires and fears as everyone else, and that a question like that, now that it's all too late, could throw me into panic?

As she was walking down the corridors, lit by the same faint light as in the ward, Veronika relized that it was too late. She could no longer control her fear.

I must get a grip on myself. I'm the kind of person who sticks to any decision she makes, who always sees things through.

Its true that in her life she had seend many things through to their ultimate consequences, but only unimportant things, like prolonging a quarrel that could easily have been resolved with an apology, or not phoning a man she was in love with simply because she thought the relationship would lead nowhere. She was intransigent about the easy things, as if trying to prove to herself how strong and indifferent she was, when in fact she was just a fragile woman who had never been an outstanding student, never excelled at school sports, and had never succeeded in keeping the peace at home.

She had overcome her minor defects only to be defeated by matters of fundamental importance. She had managed to appear utterly independent when she was, in fact, desperately in need of company. When she entered a room everyone would turn to look at her, but she almost always ended the night alone, in the convent, watching a TV that she hadn't even bothered to have properly tuned. She gave all her friends the impression that she was a woman to be envied, and she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created of herself.

Because of that she had never had enough energy to be herself, a person who, like everyone else in the world, needed other people in order to be happy. But other people were so difficult. They reacted in unpredictable ways, they surrounded themselves with defensive wallks, they behaved just as she did, pretending they didn't care about anything. When someone more open to life appeared, they either rejected them outright or made them suffer, consigning them to being inferior, ingenous.

She might have impressed a lot of people with her strength and determination, but where had it left her? In the void. Utterly alone. In Villete. In the ateroom of death.

- from Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho

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When will you learn from you tears and suffering?
When will you see that destiny is in your hands?
- from When will you learn by Boy George

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There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.
Cause the more that I'm tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more than wanting more
- from (There's Gotta Be) More to Life by Stacie Orrico

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I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a blade in the grass that won't grow
Just a hand holding on to let go

Time is a train... Time is a train...
Leading you nowhere...
Leading you nowhere

Time is a train
I feel the same
Leading you nowhere
Leading you nowhere

A second page you reach a chapter
You're on the phone but no one's there
Another thing you can't keep after
Another time you're left alone

I know you're the loneliest person I know
Just a flag in the wind that won't blow
Just a tear rolling down the window
- from Loneliest Person I Know by The Splender

..crying..

Crying. I hate crying. I was once advised against it. Crying is for the weak, cliche as it may sound. My parents reprove crying. One explanation is that when a person cries, it shows desperation. It shows hopelessness. I was warned to quit parading my emotions about certain conditions, especially if it were a negative emotion.

As a child, I learned to conceal my negative emotions from people. Hard as it may seem, I push back my tears to my ducts whenever I am on the verge of crying. And then, as I grew older, it became easier.

Just don't let me be alone in my room, that's where it all happens. Sometimes I wonder, if my room's walls could talk, it would talk for hours on end. Because, if you look inside my closet, hidden behind my hanged clothes, push them to one side and you'll see a scoreboard.

That's right. A scoreboard. To anyone, it wouldn't mean anything. But to me the scoreboard means a lot - the number of times I cried in that year. I keep track, what can I say. I keep track of the days and of how many times I cried in a single day. Every year, I count them. Big cries, little cries. Cries of a lonely girl. Cries of an aching girl. They were all tallied.

And until now, I keep track. But I stopped updating the scoreboard inside my closet. I keep them somewhere else now. Somewhere more private.

And yes, I still look and act cool, calm and collected but there would be and there are days when I am pushing back my tears again for reasons only I would know.

Crying is for the weak, cliche as it may sound. Maybe I am

my one last cry

My shattered dreams and broken heart

Are mending on the shelf

I saw you holding hands,

Standing close to someone else

Now I sit all alone

Wishing all my feeling was gone

I gave my best to you,

Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry

One last cry,

before I leave it all behind

I’ve gotta put you outta my mind

For the very last time

Stop living a lie

I guess I’m down to my last cry

Cry......

I was here,

You were there

Guess we never could agree

While the sun shines on you

I need some love to rain on me

Still I sit all alone,

Wishing all my feeling was gone

Gotta get over you,

Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry

One last cry

Before I leave it all behind

I gotta put you out of my mind

For the very last time

Been living a lie

I guess I'm down,

I guess I'm down

I guess I'm down...

I guess I'm down...

To my last cry...

** Who does not know this song, eh? I dunno if I'm just so struck by Maoui's rendition of the song but when she was singing it during Saturday's mall show at SM Davao, it hit me. I have to let go. And I need to..

FROM MEET JOE BLACK

While watching the fireworks during Hopkin's birthday...

Hopkins: Its so hard to let go, right?

Pitt: Yeah, I guess so.

Hopkins: Well, what can I tell you? That' s just me.

Both then turned around and walked up the stairs...

And so, I did and I had my ONE LAST CRY yesterday, Sunday, June 5, 2005...

-- empty --

I felt empty.

Today.

That's how it was, that's how it felt.

Empty.

I was there but not really. I worked all day - started it as usual, went to work a little bit late but I was already taking and making calls while still at home. As soon as I stepped foot in the office, I was busy. Didn't even have time to eat a full meal but then again, I don't look like I need one. =) Had a few glitches here and there but I managed to pull through & sealed off some really good deals for my artists. I was busy. Period.

But still, I felt empty.

I dont' know how long this is going to last.. Heck, I don't know how I would last.

This empty feeling... Its getting to me.

And I don't like it. Not one bit.


** This entry has been sitting in my drafts folder for quite sometime now. And it still stands true.