the SEARCH is OVER

i never really thought i would find it again. i've searched, high and low, and found none. with every search, i grew wary, thinking i would never experience it again. people have told me to go to one place and another, telling me i could find it there. but, again, it had eluded my grasps.

it reminded of sweet, innocent days. when you could laugh your heart out as if there is no tomorrow. when you could dance in the rain without people glowering at you. when you could belt out a song and still get a round of applause. it reminded me of days when you could just lull yourself to sleep.

and so my search had ended. i have found it again. and upon reaching it, i said to myself, i'm never gonna let it go. i will always return to this one place where i have foun it again.

yes, i've found it.


i've found birch tree, my favorite milk of all time. =P

sumthin, sumthin...

Well, I believe I deserve to be congratulated coz today, I have been able to eat normally again. Thank God, really. A bit slower, but yeah, I’ve been able to eat rice and meat, the last time I did was last Saturday morning. Yebaah! The stitches on the right gum area still hurt though. Ouch!

Oh and one more thing, I’ve my Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince book already and I can’t put it down!!! Well, of course, at this moment, I did. But this is gonna be short coz I’m gonna go back to reading it. I can’t wait to finish it!

I don’t believe I’ve mentioned it before but I’m back making earrings and I’ve been getting a lot of orders. Geesh, I thought I was just gonna do this for some extra cash but it seems that it’s becoming more of a small business na. Hmmm, let’s see where this is headed. Heck, I’ve been selling in schools, in our office, at my aunt’s office, at the city hall, in a bazaar and my hands are a total wreck, callused to the Nth level! Oh well, no one’s gonna hold my hand anyway, so… Haha.

And one last thing, go get John Legend’s Get Lifted album. You won’t regret it. I love it!!! Reading Harry potter while John Legend's playing and some vanilla ice cream, heaven!


Have a nice day. I'm finally gonna go ukay ukay later, yahooo!!!

impaction part 2

DISCLAIMER: The following post is a graphic and detailed account of the minor surgery i went through this afternoon. If you're too sensitive, in other words, too maarte, go away. Don't read anymore.


2 P.M.

I was late (as usual) for my dentist's appointment. My mom drove me there and decided to stay coz she wanted to have her pearls cleaned as well. ANyway, my dentist was late too. :-) As soon as he got there though, he called me in and started on my upper left ipacted tooth. He was telling me to relax coz this time, the upper teeth are easier to do than the lower teeth, which by the way, i had the lower right removed two or three months ago. He then proceed to injecting three, mind you, three anesthesia in my gums near the area of the buried tooth. Didn't feel much there but i felt my knees buckle though as i anticipate the needle. He asked his assistant for the panoramic x-ray of my teeth then went to his tray of gizmos and picked up this scissor-looking thing. I dunno what he did with it though coz the next thing he picked up was this pointed metal thing which he used to prod my tooth out. And boy, did he! Imagine something wedge into something really small and tight, that's what it looked like, i guess though i didnt see it. i swear, blood was everywhere! i heard my tooth crack and with one final pull, it gave away. When i saw my tooth, man, it was soo big and curved, i even wondered how it got there! haha. He cleaned up the left side of my mouth, had about 4 cotton balls absorb the blood before he injected again, three anesthesia, this time, in the gum area on the right impacted tooth. The steps were repeated but it took him longer this time coz the tooth was buried deep inside and its larger than the other one. His assistant even helped him hold my head steady coz every he pulls, my head moves with it. He told me to relax. Relax?! I can feel the tooth being pulled! i think the anesthesia wasn't enough. He pulls again, still the tooth wouldn't budge. He then held my tongue down, he was pressing too hard actually and tried to put more pressure on the tooth, all the while the assistant was holding my head. Another pull. I heard my tooth crack. Crap, lets get this over already. I was actually holding back tears coz it hurt! He touched a nerve which wasn't supposed to happen! He pulls again and again, my tooth cracked. Blood spatters on his shirt and into his hands when finally, with one more tug, the tooth broke loose! Success! He cleaned up the blood (which wa everywhere tlga, no exaggeration here) and then put about 4 cotton balls too to absorb the blood. Just when i thought it was over, i forgot that he had to sew pa. It went okay and quick, though i felt the thread sliding in and out of my gums. After sewing, the assistant came in and handed me a mirror. Crap, i looked like hell. It seemed like i drank blood coz my mouth had blood all over it. She cleaned it up and removed the cotton balls. I gargled and got up and walked like nothing happened.

3:28 P.M.

I walked into the receiving area of my dentist's clinic and Jenny Miller was on at ETK. JUst in time. My mom then went it for the cleaning. I can still taste blood in my mouth. Eeewww to the 10th level! And then my stomach grumbled. Great, i'm hungry. Just great, as if swallowing blood wasn't good enough.

4 P.M.

My mom and I were at Mercury drug buying medicines. I was starving! I bought canned soups, powdered soups, noodles, instant noodles... anything that's soft! I had to eat! Good thing kfc was just 3 cartwheels away, I asked my mom to buy me some mashed potatoes. Just when we were driving off, i realized there was no spoon for the mashed potatoes, shet! Starving na ko, ready to kill! We got home and I raided the utensil rack for a teaspoon ( i cant open my mouth for a tablespoon, it hurts) and had a teaspoonful of mashed potatoes. Another guess what?! I'm having trouble swallowing coz I still can't feel a thing coz of the anesthesia! Just great!!!

10:50 P.M.

Its been almost 7 hours and I'm still hungry. Ive had five teaspoons of mashed potatoes and 1 glass of water, 2 teaspoons of spaghetti and I'm still having trouble swallowing!!! Apparently, its not the anesthesia. And what's more, I'm still bleeding! I can still taste blood in my mouth!

haay, one more impacted tooth to go and i'm done.

TO DO LIST (or sumthin...)

i've been meaning to write something interesting and deep in my blog but i'm at a loss for words...

i've been trying to sleep early every night but it seems that every time i lay down, my mind wanders somewhere which keeps me from getting much needed rest...

i've been wanting to run for about an hour or so but its either raining every morning or i'm too tired to get up...

i've been putting off cleaning up my office table but i've been loaded with too much work that i just kept putting it off...

i've been intending to go to ukay-ukay but something kept coming up...

i've also planned to go back to quiapo and shop for my "business" but i seem to have no one to go with me...

i've been planning so many things for others that i might just shelve the idea of doing something for myself.


BUT!

now that my boss is back, maybe, one way or another, i can finally do something about those stuff that i've been meaning to do.

maybe i will be able to write something profound in my next entry.

maybe i will be able to run after all. it hasn't rained in the morning for some time now.

maybe tomorrow i can get a head start by cleaning up some mess on my table.

maybe my ukay ukay fix will push through on friday.

maybe i can go to quiapo on saturday with cza or zen.

and maybe.

just maybe.

i can sleep soundly tonight...

changes

im sick and working. pathetic talaga. still here at the office, taking a break from all that scheduling and contract signing ekek. my eyes are puffy already!

change is the only constant thing in this world.

that's what isabel put on her module regarding her philosophy in life. it wouldnt be the first time that i've encountered that philo. i believe thats true. nothing is constant but change. coz things change and so do people. i was watching oprah last night and she said something like she's the same person as she was before, she just had more stuff and awesome shoes. yeah, right. i know i'm not.

i've changed a lot. some think for the better, some think for the worse. but i've changed and i dont mind. i encourage change. i accept it. thats why if i see an old friend who used to be so prim and proper and now walks and talks like she's always gonna pick a fight with someone, heck, i would be taken aback but i wouldnt be surprised.

because to say that you haven't changed, would mean to me no growth at all. no growth as a person. of course, people change. we adjust to our surroundings, to our environment. that's what's unique about us humans. we are capable of adjusting and understanding and accepting change.

so next time you meet with an old friend who've changed drastically, cut them some slack, will ya? i'm sure she'll be thinking of you the same way so might as well give them the benefit of the doubt. coz sometimes, looks can be very deceiving.


*** okay, i may seem to be talking about nothing in particular here. but i know someone will react. that person may not post a comment or email me or text me, but that person will react somehow. someone is watching. Someone.

it a friday night and i have two gimik options: tagaytay and pier one timog. hmmm. im not really up to it though. and pier one is sooo not a gimik place, duh. so i'm still here at the office, loading new songs to my ipod, catching up with friends, cleaning my inbox and updating my blog. while chatting with an old friend, he pointed this out to me:

"those who give reason to every little thing they know that which they deem to be inescapable and mere practice in futility are the people who lie to themselves all the time, people who, in their being afraid will build walls around themselves surrounding their emotions to a point where emotional stagnation runs deep, and everything will be reduced to escapism." - from Escape from Freedom by Erich Fromm

he thens prods his question about my "status", he repeats, "musta na buhay?".

so since its been a while since i last talked to him, i owe him a serious answer this time. i gave him four answers: my physical, mental,social, spiritual and emotional status. wait that's five, hehehe. anyway, he was satisfied with my answers so he then proceeds to his next question, "love life?".

DUH?!? why do people keep on asking me about this? and i'm sure a lot of people are asked of this question as well. i myself asked this question to a few friends but i never realized how irritating it could be once people kept on asking you that damned question.

newei, i'm getting used to that love life question so i gave my friend this answer:
"its non existent because i realized, if mag love life ako,i wouldnt be able to devote as much as time as i would want to kasi im always held up at work."

he then replied with that quote from Erich Fromm. (i'm feeling kinda redundant here, hehe). and i agreed with it and with him. and the conversation went something like:

friend: so, useless magkaroon ng lovelife dahil walang time, huh?

me: uh-huh.exactly.pero i wouldnt mind nmn tlga.i'd make time of course pero i love my job and especially pnk. if he demands, di ko mapagbibigyan kaya para iwas gulo, wag nlng.

which brought him to the his point: escaping. "escapism at its best", he said.

huwaaat???? is that what i'm doing??? i reasoned out, "its a good thing actually. it would be escapism if i'm already in the relationship and then trying to get out of it because of those reasons. but since i have none, it doesnt stand true."

no, i am not escaping. i would admit it if it were true but it weren't! i may have built walls but its only for protection, i am a highly emotional person though i try my very best not to show it. but i put down the walls once in a while to see whats behind the them. i keep a reality check so as not to stray down the dark emotional path i've led myself to a couple of years back. its but normal to put up walls, right? but to keep them up even when someone is reaching out, that's absurd. and i won't allow myself to do that again.

and yes, i am afraid. afraid for myself and what i could do to others. i know that we have to let ourselves go once in a while but be sure you'll be able to pull yourself back. with freedom comes a big responsibility. and just because i am taking utmost precaution with my emotions doesn't mean i don't let myself loose. i do. i'm just more aware of my actions now more than ever. and that's not escaping.

Infatuation or Love

DISCLAIMER: A friend emailed this to me today. I enjoyed reading it and found myself nodding at every point it made. Oh well, read on and see what i mean.


ang pagibig at ang kahibangan
masarap talaga ang feeling ng IN LOVE...
lahat naman tayo naiinlove...
pero marami sa atin ang INFATUATED lang... both LOVE and INFATUATION are sure to live as up to cloud 9...

pero MAG-KA-I-BA sila...suriin mo ang nararamdaman mo...

ang INFATUATION ay matinding paghanga...
it is an instant desire...
matindi ang iyong pagnanais na makasama ang isang tao...

samantala, ang PAG-IBIG ay tila nag-aalab na pagkakaibigan...
ika nga, it takes root and grows one day at a time...
kusa itong sumisibol...
hindi ito padalos-dalos o pabigla-bigla...

kapag ikaw ay INFATUATED, may feeling ka of insecurity...
hindi ka mapalagay...
oo nga at excited ka ngunit hindi ka totoong masaya...
sometimes, you doubt him/her...
sometimes you always ask but seems to find no answer...
may mga bagay din tungkol sa kanya na gusto mong malaman...
at pag hindi mo ito magustuhan, like hindi mo pala gusto yung taste of clothes niya, you'd feel very disappointed...
it might shatter the image you've built about him/her...

LOVE, on the other hand, understands...
it knows that your loved one has imperfections...
ito ang totoong pag-ibig...
binibigyan ka nito ng kalakasan...
you even feel his/her presence kahit na malayo siya...
distance is not a hindrance for your love not to grow...
you're sure he/she is with you in spirit...
of course, you want him/her near... but near or far,
you know he/she loves you as much as you love him/her...
you can wait for him/her...no matter what...

when you're INFATUATED, you tend to say that you want to get married as
soon as time possible...
masasabi mo na," I can't afford to lose you!"....

samantala, when you're IN LOVE,
you don't rush into anything...
you're patient... you don't panic...
you plan your future carefully...

INFATUATION is smart with sexual excitement...
you want constant intimacy with him/her...

samantala, LOVE is a maturation of friendship...
it is always best to be friends first before becoming lovers...

pag INFATUATED ka, iniisip mo na baka nagiging unfaithful na siya sa'yo...

LOVE is trusting the other person...
you know you can trust him/her...
and by feeling this way,he/she even becomes more trustworthy...

dahil INFATUATED ka, maaari kang makagawa ng mga bagay
na maaari mong mapagsisisihan in the end...

but with LOVE, you are sure of your every move...
maginhawa ang iyong pakiramdam...
you function well...
nagiging mas mabuti kang tao pag alam mo na pag-ibig nga ang iyong nararamdaman... think about it...

think about the difference between LOVE and INFATUATION...

you know, GOD is NOT a killjoy in love affairs...

LOVE is HIS idea...

He wants you to enjoy the REAL THING!
but......you have to be WISE!
or else, you might MISS it out... worse, you'll just break hearts
or find yourself singing, "sinaktan mo ang puso ko..."
after all, you're not settling for second best, right?